Friday, 26 December 2014

Dear Telstra...

10th October 2014

Dear Telstra,

Anyone who watches Game of Thrones knows that a Lannister always pays his debts. I also pay my debts, and usually on time, so you can imagine how upset I was to receive a $15 late fee for failing to promptly pay my monthly internet bill.

Out of all the Lannisters, I’d say I’m probably most like the Kingslayer, Jamie - courageous, devilishly handsome, and an exceptionally skilled lover. I guess the only difference between us is that I don't have a sister to have sex with. I have a brother, but I'm not attracted to him, because he has a penis and testicles. 

It's fair to say your customer service reputation hasn't been the best over the years. Some might even say you're the Joffrey Baratheon of the telecommunications industry. Not me though, I think you’re great. I just wanted to let you know that I'm sorry for my mistake, and that even though my $80 bill was settled just days later without the intervention of a debt collector, a $15 fee is totally justified. 

So why did I forget to pay on time? Well, I'm a little embarrassed, but because I respect you so much, I'm going to be completely honest.

As you’re probably aware, nude photos of Jennifer Lawrence were leaked on 31st August - just one day before the payment of my bill was due. I can't remember exactly what happened next, but it appears as though the hypnotic images sent me into a frenzied masturbatory rage. When I woke up 72 hours later, both my hands had completely seized up.

The radiologist and entire medical team at my local hospital hadn't seen anything like it before, but the affliction has since been identified as J-Lawrius Masturbatitis. I guess the whole episode was similar to my favourite Jennifer Lawrence movie, The Hunger Games, except I was the only competitor, and the enemy was my knob.

If you think that's bad, just imagine the state of my genitals. I'd show you, but I'm pretty sure it would breach the Universal Declaration of Human Rights. To get an idea of the carnage, you could either throw a handful of minced turkey on a land mine, or simply picture Freddy Krueger without his hat on.

I wish I could've paid the bill on time, but my deformed digits prevented me from using a keyboard to pay online, or drive to the post office to pay in person. I did manage chat to a member of your support team though, but was way too embarrassed to tell him about my condition. 

You won’t believe it, but without even asking why my payment was late, he said he'd waive the fee. Obviously I refused his offer, because I can think of nothing worse than dishonestly swindling my favourite company out of $15. It makes you wonder how many other people he's fraudulently letting off. 

By the way, his name is John. I think you should fire him.

Now that you know the truth about the overdue payment of my bill, I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I'd never ask to have my late fee waived on compassionate grounds, but it would be appreciated. I know people suffer much worse conditions than mine, so I totally understand if my severely clawed hands and blistered, cavernous genitalia doesn't warrant it. To me, the most important thing is that you now know that one of your employees is effectively stealing from you, $15 at a time. 

If you find it in your heart to waive the fee, I promise to put the money towards the ongoing rehabilitation of my fine motor skills. After numerous physiotherapy sessions, I've only managed to regain dexterity in two fingers - just enough to type this letter.

Kind regards,

Rich Wisken.

Telstra's Reply

16th October 2014

17th October 2014

Hello Telstra,

Thanks for getting back to me, but I'm a little bit confused by your response. Bullet point two states that you're unable to waive the current late fee, but bullet point three - the one directly below bullet point two - says you've agreed to do so by providing a $15 credit. Can you please confirm whether or not the fee still stands?

If it doesn't, I'd like to thank you for being the first company in the world to officially recognise J-Lawrius Masturbatitis as a serious medical condition. The social stigma attached to it makes it difficult for sufferers like myself to live normal lives. Thankfully I'm now in remission, but everyday I live in fear knowing that I could relapse at any time.

Appreciative regards,

Rich Wisken.

P.S. In case you were wondering, my hands are recovering nicely and my penis is much better. Fortunately it no longer resembles Freddy Krueger, but like a Sinaloan milk snake shedding its skin, it's still quite scabby and inflamed.

Telstra's Reply

20th October 2014

15th November 2014

Hi again Telstra,

Thanks so much for waiving September's late payment fee, but I'm afraid I have some bad news.

I forgot to pay October's bill on time and now I have another $15 late fee. However, this time I think it's more your fault than mine. You see, payment was due on October 31st. That's right, Halloween. Why on earth would you set the due date on the most fun day of the year? 

I usually love trick-or-treating, but this year was nothing short of catastrophic. To celebrate being cured of J-Lawrius Masturbatitis, I dressed up as my favourite Jennifer Lawrence character, Katniss Everdeen.

I know, nailed it. 

Unfortunately, it turns out that I'm not even close to being cured. 

Shortly after returning home from threatening my neighbours with a long bow in exchange for candy, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. My incredible likeness to J-Law triggered an instantaneous relapse, and from what I'm told, I spent the next five days staring at my reflection whilst ferociously pummelling my weiner.

I don't know how I ended up in hospital, but I'm glad I did, because my injuries were much more extensive this time.

As you can imagine, my severe wounds are preventing me from typing this letter. Thankfully, one of my helpful nurses - the same one who sponge bathes me - is typing it word-for-word whilst I dictate. Usually I'd enjoy her caressing my sensitive nipples with a lathered sponge, but every time I'm sexually stimulated, an unbearable searing pain shoots through my splintered member.

Great, now she's looking at me like I'm a repulsive sex pest. Awkward.

Anyway, I'd just like to thank you in advance for also waiving this late fee. I can't tell you how much I appreciate your compassion towards my medical situation.

Grateful regards,

Rich Wisken.

P.S. After being in touch quite a bit lately, I feel like we're becoming friends. Would you like to sign my cast?

Telstra's Reply:

13th December 2014

17th December 2014

Hi Telstra,

Why don't you care about the sufferers of J-Lawrius Masturbatitis anymore? Have done something to upset you?

The thought of us not being friends has kept me up for the past four nights. When you spend that many hours lying in bed awake, you think about all sorts of stuff - like the things you love and the things you hate.

So what do I love? The usual stuff: puppies, rainbows, and furiously masturbating to photographs of naked celebrities. And what do I hate? Mainly the violent deaths of mothers and their babies in war zones, the Ebola epidemic in West Africa, and people who say "Time to get a watch" when you ask them for the time.

I'm sure you're disgusted by the slaughter of civilians and the spread of deadly viruses as much as I am, so as a gesture of our friendship, I decided to donate the $15 late fee - on your behalf - to my favourite humanitarian-aid organisation, Médecins Sans Frontières.

Why Médecins Sans Frontières? Well, mainly because I enjoy saying it in an exaggerated French accent so people think I'm worldly and interesting, but also because they're not religiously or politically motivated. They don't have a selfish agenda, so you always know exactly where the money's going. Something tells me not all organisations distribute charitable donations to where they're needed most...

By the way, did you know that an Australian law firm is preparing a multi-million dollar class action against you regarding late payment fees? They claim that because the fees are technically penalties, you have absolutely no authority to enforce them. According to them, your only real defence is to prove that they're a genuine pre-estimate of the loss suffered by your company. 

It's almost like they're saying that a $15 fee on an $80 bill is not only grossly exorbitant, but against the law. I can't be certain, but it appears they think that any company that'd charge their own customers such a fee, must be run by a bunch of deplorable, 
opportunistic, bottom-feeding...

Of course, I completely disagree. I mean, without collecting $750 million in late fees over the past five years, how do those silly lawyers think you could afford to pay your CEO $33 million? Many people would think that's a disgustingly absurd amount of money. Not me though, I think he deserves every single cent - all three billion, three-hundred million of them. 

Anyway, I hope our joint donation to such a wonderful organisation has strengthened our relationship. Surely you agree they need the $15 more than we do. You do hate deadly epidemics and the massacre of infants as much as I do, right?

Humane regards,

Rich Wisken

P.S. I paid my bill early 10 times in the past 12 months, but you forgot to credit $15 to my account each time. Don't worry, we all make mistakes. The invoice below is just a friendly reminder. Please pay on time to avoid a late fee, and be sure to reference the invoice number when crediting my account.

Telstra's Reply:

19th December 2014

20th December 2014

Hello Telstra,

My apologies for assuming you'd be in favour of putting the $15 towards saving the lives of the world's most vulnerable. By the way, I don't want to make a big deal out of it, but I haven't received the $150 in early payment credits yet. When should I expect it?

I'm more than happy to pay the late fee, but after everything we've been through recently, I don't think transferring the money to you is going to help mend our relationship. So to clear the air, I decided we could do something much more fun. It's a little game I made up called, Telstra Treasure Hunt.

I divided the $15 into $5 lots and hid them around three of Sydney's most iconic locations - Bondi Beach, Hyde Park, and the Sydney Harbour Bridge. 

Sorry about the small change. I did have more money, but I donated it to a worthy humanitarian-aid organisation, which you hated.

Anyway, using the red pins on Google Maps, I randomly plotted several points at each location. Under one of these completely randomly selected points, you'll find a $5 treasure bag. All you have to do is successfully uncover the hidden treasure from all three locations and you win the Telstra Treasure Hunt.

Hopefully you're as excited as I am. Treasure hunts are so much fun. If you'd like some clues along the way, you can tweet me @RichWisken using the #TelstraTreasureHunt hashtag. If you find the $15, I was wondering if you'd like to put it towards a movie ticket. The new Hunger Games film is out and I really don't think I should watch it alone.

Good luck,

Rich Wisken.

P.S. Yes I'm serious.

P.P.S. I hope you can scuba dive.