Master of Puppets...

A new Twitter follower of mine (@johnjjh86), recently heard that I was forced to give up my lifelong dream of becoming Air Guitar World Champion. Such was his concern for my welfare, he sent me a link to a volunteer position he thought I might enjoy.

He was right...

Dear Pastor Coghlan and Caroline Harrington,

As a long time fan of The Muppets and brainwashing children, I think your puppet idea is fantastic. Apart from the Hitler Youth, I truly can’t think of a better way of indoctrinating the young, so kudos to both of you. Perhaps you should share your idea with the Catholic Church. I've heard their priests are always looking for new ways of "spreading the gospel" to children...

Unfortunately, I don’t have any traditional puppetry experience, but I am a huge fan of the Australian stage show, Puppetry of the Penis. Have you heard of it? It involves two guys performing genital origami for a large audience. I know, awesome! Some of my favourites include: the Wristwatch, Atomic Mushroom and the Loch Ness Monster, but my all-time favourite is the Windsurfer.

Hopefully if I practice enough, mine will start to look less like a windsurfer and more like an America's Cup yacht. We can all dream. Hey, if I get the job, maybe we could all go sailing together.

I'm trying to think of more cool puppet-related stuff to talk about, so I can prove how much I want this position. 

Well, I don't really like Metallica's, Master of Puppets, because they probably worship Satan, but I do love NSYNC's, No Strings Attached. What's your favourite NSYNC song? Mine's probably, Bye Bye Bye. If you want, we can play with my collectable NSYNC marionettes. I've got the full set, but don't worry, I can leave Lance Bass at home... because he's gay, and God probably hates him.

Speaking of gay puppets, what are your thoughts on those two godless homosexuals, Bert and Ernie. I've heard people say that they subliminally coax our children into an immoral lifestyle. Do you guys think homosexuality is immoral? Just look at them sitting there in a loving embrace, not bothering anyone with their feelings for each other. Sinners!

Anyway, I'm sure you must be inundated with applications, so I'm going to pray every night that you choose me. I'm just hoping that God doesn't ignore me, like all those people who pray for an end to poverty, famine, war, AIDS... and all that silly stuff.

Oh, gotta go! Sorry guys, but Sesame Street just started and I really feel the need to tickle Elmo.

Bye Bye Bye for now,

Rich Wisken