Thursday, 28 November 2013

Château de Ménai

A friend of mine has asked me to review the wine he made in his dad's garage in Menai, NSW. Apart from watching an instructional Youtube video, he has no winemaking experience whatsoever. My sample arrived in the mail today, so here goes...


- Crimson Seedless (hand-harvested from the discount bin at Menai IGA Supermarket)

Technical Information: 

- Crushed by hand

- Inoculated with baker's yeast
- "Shitloads" of sodium metabisulphite added
- Sugar added
- Lime leaves added (yes, lime leaves)
- No fining or filtration
- Bottled in James Squire stubbies

Tasting Note:

The wine's colour resembles Charlie Sheen's urine on a Monday morning, or perhaps the discharge from a leaky anus on Embarrassing Bodies. Not only is the colour somewhat off-putting, but the haze makes me think that Stifler was the assistant winemaker.

The aroma? A heady mix of sulphur dioxide and the pungent scalp cheese found under Whoopi Goldberg's dreadlocks... probably. It's taken me approximately three hours and five rum and Cokes to summon the courage to taste this formidable fluid. The only way I could be more afraid of a liquid, was if I was diving after Greg Louganis at the 1988 Seoul Olympics.

It tastes very much like a refreshing glass of Ribena, which is great, because the extreme SO2 level is causing severe respiratory irritation, swelling around my eyes and hive-like rashes to break out on my face. The blackcurrant flavour takes me back to my childhood, which helps ease the thought of my impending death by pulmonary edema.

Thankfully I survived this experience, and as they say, "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger". I wonder if that saying also applies to my friend, after I bludgeon him to within an inch of his life with an empty James Squire stubbie for making me drink this offensive vin ordinaire

Tuesday, 5 November 2013

Fleetwood Flaps

Kylie Lang

Editor: QWeekend 
The Courier-Mail, Brisbane

Dear Kylie,

On the morning of Saturday 2nd November, I was standing in line at a Brisbane newsagency to purchase The Courier-Mail. Being from Sydney, I don't often get a chance to read this newspaper, that's okay though, because I get my fair and balanced news from another News Corp publication - The Daily Telegraph.

Eventually, I made it to the front of the line, where I saw a copy of the QWeekend magazine weighed down by some coins on the shop counter. To say I was disgusted is an understatement. I quickly took a photo of the front cover, dropped my Courier-Mail on the floor, and swiftly exited the newsagency.

Firstly, can you please explain why you chose to publish a photo of Stevie Nicks' 65 year old vagina on the cover of your magazine? Secondly, don't you think that naming the piece, The 40 Year Itch, is equally as crude? Of course I didn't read the salacious article, but I'm assuming it's about Fleetwood Mac cancelling their upcoming tour due to Stevie's vaginal discomfort. 

As this was my first experience with QWeekend, I decided to visit your website to see if this kind of filth is common. The excerpt below is taken directly from the site:

Well you've certainly taken a "different look" at Stevie Nicks and her "issues". Her snatch sure is a "surprising place", and yes, it definitely took me "out of my comfort zone".

I'm writing this letter because I was traumatised by your vulgarity. I'm not married, so this is the first time I've ever seen a vagina. I guess it's not as bad as I imagined, but it's not good either. To be honest, I thought Stevie's would look more like the aftermath of a grenade explosion in a butcher's shop.

I hate to think what your overlord Rupert would think of this smut being published in one of his reputable newspapers. Anyway, all I'm after is a simple apology. I understand that itchy vaginas are a part of a woman's life, but surely it's not suitable to print images of them on the cover of a statewide publication.


Rich Wisken

P.S. Is she wrapped in a dead ostrich?

Kylie's reply: