Sunday, 13 July 2014

Dear L'Oréal

Cosmetics juggernaut, L'Oréal, recently signed 17-year-old Belgian beauty, Axelle Despiegalaere, after a photo of her at the World Cup went viral. L'Oréal released Axelle just days later, when an image emerged of her holding a gun whilst posing with a dead oryx gazelle. I've taken it upon myself to help Axelle get her job back - because she's super hot, and she might shoot me in the face with a high-powered rifle if I don't.

Dear L'Oréal,

I'm very upset about your decision to cut ties with Axelle just days after signing her. This unfortunate situation has deeply affected me, because I know exactly what it's like to handle a big weapon, and be really, really, ridiculously good-looking.

I believe everyone deserves a second chance, so I'm writing to see if you could please make sure Axelle gets hers. People make mistakes, it happens all the time. To prove my point, I'd like to highlight a few of the 'mistakes' you've made over the years, all of which seem to have been forgiven by your customers.

Okay, let's start from the beginning...

L'Oréal's founder, Eugène Schueller, was an anti-Semitic fascist and well-known Nazi sympathiser, which leads me to my first question - why did you choose 'Because you're worth it' as your slogan, and not 'Heil L'Oréal'? Do you think the Führer would've made a fabulous brand ambassador?

I know what you're thinking, 'that was ages ago, we can't be held accountable for our founder being a complete asshole'. I guess you're right, but would you say the same thing if your company continued to profit from Holocaust victims for over three decades? 

The reason I ask is because a Jewish family insists that their property - which was confiscated by the Nazis during WWII - was home to your German headquarters for over 30 years. Oh I forgot to mention, the original owners died in concentration camps. I know you didn't confiscate the land yourselves, but wouldn't returning it to its rightful owners be the ethical thing to do?

Moving on to 'mistake' number two... 

In 2008, you were accused of 'whitewashing' Beyoncé in one of your cosmetics ads. How were you supposed to know that people would notice the pale skin and strawberry-blonde hair? Is it fair to assume that the makeup artists on White Chicks also used L'Oréal products? 

'Mistake' number three...

In 2009, you were found guilty of racial discrimination, for barring black, Arab and Asian women from selling shampoo produced by Garnier - a company you own. A fax sent by one of your executives declared that Garnier hostesses should be 'BBR' (blue, blanc, rouge) - widely recognised in the French recruitment world as code for French people born to white parents.

Okay, that's enough racism and xenophobia. It's time to move on to the issue that cost Axelle a future with your company. The poached elephant in the room - animal rights.

It seems everyone on social media these days like to criticise those who slaughter defenceless, and often endangered animals for their own twisted amusement.

Seeing as though you fired Axelle for shooting a gazelle, I was under the impression that you must boast a stellar animal rights record. However, after many hours of research typing 'L'Oréal animal rights' into Google, I found out that just isn't the case.

Your website states: 

L’Oréal no longer tests on animals any of its products or any of its ingredients, anywhere in the world. Nor does L’Oréal delegate this task to others

Wow, that's really awes... HOLD ON A SECOND! What's this? 


Do you mean like the 'regulatory authorities' in China, where animal testing is mandatory for all new beauty products? Yes China, you know, the world's second largest economy; the place you just invested $843 million to expand your operations? 

Hello, are you there????

I've decided that your little blurb on animal testing is slightly misleading, so I've made some amendments. Feel free to cut & paste it.

The European Union won't let us pour or inject nasty chemicals on or into adorable little bunnies and cute little mice, but in China - where the words 'animal rights' are always followed by a question mark - we most definitely do. Yep, 100% of our products developed in China are tested on animals. Why? Because FUCK THEM IN THEIR STUPID, FURRY LITTLE ASSES, that's why!

Don't get me wrong, I'm not against all scientific animal testing. How could I be? Without it we wouldn't have Mickey or Goofy, and Rafael Nadal would still be an unknown capybara, instead of a 14-time Grand Slam tennis champion.

Don't you think it's just a little bit absurd to maim and kill animals just so you can tell women that having longer, fatter lashes and fuller, redder lips makes them 'worth it'.

Anyway, I sincerely hope you'll consider re-hiring Axelle, because as I said before, we all make mistakes. Some of them - like supporting and collaborating with a regime that murdered six million Jews, discriminating on the basis of one's race, and exterminating helpless animals in the name of beauty - are much worse than others, but the important thing is that we learn from them.

Have you learnt from yours, L'Oréal?

Regards (even though you're not worth it),

Rich Wisken.

P.S. Is it true that Hitler is alive and living in Argentina? If so, can you please ask him who he's going for in the World Cup Final?

Friday, 6 June 2014

Dear Colosseum Pizza & Ribs, Part II

Last year, I had a less than ideal experience at Colosseum Pizza & Ribs. I emailed to tell them about it, but they ignored me... so I wrote a complaint letter. Before reading this follow-up, be sure to read PART 1, otherwise it won't make sense.

Dear Colosseum Pizza & Ribs,

Have you heard the expression, everyone deserves a second chance? Well, I don't believe that's necessarily true. For example, here are some people who, in my opinion, are undeserving of a redemptive opportunity.

1) The owner of Colosseum Pizza and Ribs.

2) The Colosseum Pizza and Ribs 'chef'.

3) The Colosseum Pizza and Ribs employees.

4) Anyone associated with Colosseum Pizza and Ribs.

5) Adolf Hitler.

6) Joseph Stalin.

7) Pol Pot.

8) Vlad the Impaler.

9) That Kony guy.

10) Justin Bieber

Have a look at this photo from your website.

Now look at the remains of what I ordered from you the other night.

I'm not a forensic scientist, but I've watched enough CSI to know that there's a strong possibility those bones don't belong to the same creature as the one in your photo.

Don't get me wrong, I'm no stranger to using the magic of photography to make myself look more appealing. For instance, here's my Tinder profile pic.

...and here's my actual photo.

I guess the only difference is that I'm not charging people $39.95 for my goods or services. I'm sure we'd both agree that if I did, I'd be promising one thing, and delivering another. I suppose it's like promising a meaty rack of ribs, then delivering a sinewy mass of cartilage and bone. Just so you know, it was really cold that day.

Do you remember Maximus, the little sweatshop kid I adopted after my last Colosseum experience? Well, you wouldn't recognise him now. It's amazing how much kids grow when you feed them actual food, and not skerricks of flesh from the ribcage of an unidentifiable animal.

His sewing skills are really improving too, so I can hook you up with some seriously cheap custom threads if you're interested. He loves working hard, and sometimes I think he doesn't even want that one hour off a week. I guess like any kid he can be a bit annoying at times. Since his growth spurt, he hasn't stopped bugging me for a new cage... I swear he thinks I'm made of barbed wire.

OMG, I just had the best idea. Why don't I make the best of a bad situation and build his cage out of the ribs you sent me. Genius! With DIY ideas like that, do you think I should audition for The Block?

Anyway, please accept my apology and disregard this complaint letter. $39.95 is an absolute bargain for little Maxi's new enclosure. He's going to love it.

I guess you did deserve a second chance after all.


Rich Wisken... and Maximus

Monday, 10 February 2014

My Christian Mingle Dating Profile

Dear Christian Mingle,

As a fervent believer in the one true God, I assumed your internet dating site would be the ideal place for me to find my future wife. However, just four days after signing up, I received this email from you.

"Anything that can be considered defamatory, inaccurate, abusive, obscene, profane, offensive, sexually oriented, threatening, harassing, racially offensive, or illegal".

WTF, guys?! You just described the best parts of THE BIBLE!

God LOVES all that stuff, so why on earth would you delete it from my profile? At this stage I have to assume it was all just a big mistake. If that's the case, I forgive you.

Seeing as my original profile is no longer available on your site, I'm going to publish it here so my potential future wife can still view it.

Hi ladies (definitely not men)

My name's Rich, and I’m just a typical old school Christian dude. By old school, I mean Old Testament. Give me the wrath of God over the grace of God any day. Soft New Testament rubbish? Ain't nobody got time for that!

If you enjoy nothing more than kicking back with a copy of the good book and reminding yourself how much of a repulsive, flawed, weak and broken sinner you are, then I'm the guy for you.

Being a decent God-fearing Christian - who lives his life strictly in accordance with the Old Testament - I find it difficult to understand why I’ve had such difficulty finding a wife. I really don’t expect too much from the woman I own; just that she's a virgin, obeys my every command, and realises she's inferior to me in every way.

Anyway, if you'd like to get to know me a bit better, check out my Likes, Dislikes and Hobbies below:


Taylor Swift, Walks on the beach, Romantic comedies, Poetry, Murder, Genocide, Floods, Droughts, Earthquakes, Plagues, Famine, Racism, Filicide, Disease, Ethnic cleansing, Really big wooden boats full of animals, Paedophilia, Homophobia, Misogyny, Torture, Smite, Infanticide, Sadomasochism, Contradictions, Genital mutilation, Capital punishment, Self-flagellation, Polygamy, Fire, Brimstone, Incest, Rape, Slavery


Harry Styles, Justin Bieber, Spicy food, Condoms, Science, Gays, Shellfish, Mixing fabrics, Bacon, Tattoos, Trimming my hair/beard, Blasphemy 


Golf, Gardening, Bird watching, Tenpin bowling, Pilates, Stoning psychics to death, Murdering those who curseth thy mother and father, Killing those who worship other Gods, Human/animal sacrifice, Executing my neighbours for working on the Sabbath, Murdering homosexuals, disobedient children and babies

So ladies, like what you see? Do you think I could be your special someone? If so, feel free to send me a message, but please, no Beliebers, Directioners, or New Testament time wasters.

...Okay, after reading that again, I'm still struggling to understand why you found it to be unacceptable. Obviously I'm not the only one who feels this way, as I've already received a smile and an email from two eager temptresses. Knowing that real Christian ladies still exist fills me with joy.

Below is a screenshot of my profile after you removed all the good stuff. I'm posting it to educate other confused Minglers, who like me, don't know what they can and can't have in their profiles.

Okay, so just to clarify, you're saying that it's definitely NOT okay to:

  • Like really big wooden boats full of animals, or the rest of the fun, violent stuff in the Bible.

...but totally okay to:

  • View yourself as a repulsive, flawed, weak and broken sinner.

  • Own a woman - as long as she's a virgin who obeys your every command, and realises she's inferior to you in every way.

  • Dislike gays (all of them).

Whilst misogyny and homophobia are all well and good, I'd like to remind you that if the word of God isn't followed to the letter, you'll burn in hell for eternity. Please Christian Mingle, no more cherry picking.

Anyway, please ignore me if the editing of my profile was just an error on your part. If it was, I very much look forward to it being restored ASAP. If it was deliberate, I pray that you all die violent deaths for disobeying your creator.

Devout regards,

Rich Wisken

P.S. Why did you also remove my profile photo?


Tuesday, 21 January 2014

Dear Kogan Mobile...

Written in mid-2013, this was my very first complaint letter. For some reason it disappeared from my blog, so here it is again. Kogan Mobile (now defunct) was owned by Ruslan Kogan, a Belarusian online retailer. When I moved back to Sydney from Perth, I signed up for a 6 GB/month mobile data plan. After just two months, I received this email:

Dear Bryan from Kogan Mobile,

You spell your name the same way as Bryan Adams. I hate that guy, but that’s not important. I’m actually writing in response to the email you sent, informing me that my pre-paid contract has been terminated due to “unreasonable use”. Let me share a story from my childhood with you.

Every Sunday when I was eight, I’d buy a choc top ice cream from Mr. Whippy. As soon I heard Greensleeves, I’d exuberantly sprint towards the pink and white van and exchange my money for an ice cream at an agreed price.

On one occasion, I was enjoying my choc top, when the driver jumped out of the van, yanked the ice cream from my hand and declared that I could never purchase frozen dairy products from him again. Apparently, eating the ice cream that I paid for was considered “unreasonable use”. As you can imagine, I was very upset. Nowadays, when I hear Greensleeves, I curl up into the foetal position and shake like Michael J. Fox in an earthquake.

Guess what Bryan? That never happened. Imagine if it did though! Wouldn’t it just fucking suck to pay for goods or services that are swiftly ripped from your hands by a chubby, spectacle-wearing Belarusian dickhead? I know, what a coincidence, the driver in my fictional narrative hails from the same country as your boss.

When I first read the term “unreasonable use”, I immediately assumed it related to the extraordinary number of pornographic websites I frequent. Have you visited, or are you more of a kind of guy? Anyway, when I read that it had nothing to do with my superhuman porn compulsion, but because I used the 6GB of data allocated to me, which I paid for; you can imagine that I was just as upset as when the arrogant, piece of shit Mr. Whippy from Belarus destroyed my imaginary childhood. In case you were wondering, the driver’s name is Ruslan.

I understand there are terms and conditions, but here’s an idea for you. How about when you advertise your 6GB/month data plan, you write in big, bold letters next to it: If you actually use the 6GB in the stated period, we’ll terminate your contract and send you a boring, generic email from a guy named Bryan. You’re welcome to use my idea free of charge.

Thanks for reading Bryan, I would call, but last time I rang Kogan I was on hold for half an hour before the line went dead. This happened twice in the same day. The upside to this is that I now know all the lyrics to Hall & Oates’, Maneater - a very apt on-hold song choice for your company. When you decide to change your tune, I recommend the song Asshole, by Dennis Leary. Again, you’re welcome to use my idea free of charge.

Who knows Bryan, perhaps one day we could put this all behind us. Maybe we could go to the movies or something. Iron Man 3 is supposed to be really good, but I just hope we won’t be thrown out halfway through for watching an “unreasonable” amount. 

Oh, and no choc tops...

No regards,

Rich Wisken

Friday, 10 January 2014

Master of Puppets...

A new Twitter follower of mine (@johnjjh86), recently heard that I was forced to give up my lifelong dream of becoming Air Guitar World Champion. Such was his concern for my welfare, he sent me a link to a volunteer position he thought I might enjoy.

He was right...

Dear Pastor Coghlan and Caroline Harrington,

As a long time fan of The Muppets and brainwashing children, I think your puppet idea is fantastic. Apart from the Hitler Youth, I truly can’t think of a better way of indoctrinating the young, so kudos to both of you. Perhaps you should share your idea with the Catholic Church. I've heard their priests are always looking for new ways of "spreading the gospel" to children...

Unfortunately, I don’t have any traditional puppetry experience, but I am a huge fan of the Australian stage show, Puppetry of the Penis. Have you heard of it? It involves two guys performing genital origami for a large audience. I know, awesome! Some of my favourites include: the Wristwatch, Atomic Mushroom and the Loch Ness Monster, but my all-time favourite is the Windsurfer.

Hopefully if I practice enough, mine will start to look less like a windsurfer and more like an America's Cup yacht. We can all dream. Hey, if I get the job, maybe we could all go sailing together.

I'm trying to think of more cool puppet-related stuff to talk about, so I can prove how much I want this position. 

Well, I don't really like Metallica's, Master of Puppets, because they probably worship Satan, but I do love NSYNC's, No Strings Attached. What's your favourite NSYNC song? Mine's probably, Bye Bye Bye. If you want, we can play with my collectable NSYNC marionettes. I've got the full set, but don't worry, I can leave Lance Bass at home... because he's gay, and God probably hates him.

Speaking of gay puppets, what are your thoughts on those two godless homosexuals, Bert and Ernie. I've heard people say that they subliminally coax our children into an immoral lifestyle. Do you guys think homosexuality is immoral? Just look at them sitting there in a loving embrace, not bothering anyone with their feelings for each other. Sinners!

Anyway, I'm sure you must be inundated with applications, so I'm going to pray every night that you choose me. I'm just hoping that God doesn't ignore me, like all those people who pray for an end to poverty, famine, war, AIDS... and all that silly stuff.

Oh, gotta go! Sorry guys, but Sesame Street just started and I really feel the need to tickle Elmo.

Bye Bye Bye for now,

Rich Wisken

Friday, 3 January 2014

Dear Bern...

Bern Morley, a blogger for Australia's largest female blog, wrote an article about my Jetstar complaint letter. CLICK HERE to read it, then scroll down to view my response.

Dear Bern,

I thoroughly enjoyed your article and think it’s great that we can have this discussion. Just a few things...

When you write, “Believe me when I say, I am cherry picking the least offensive parts of this story right now”, I think it's important to note that what you find offensive may not offend others. Comedian, Ricky Gervais once said, “Offence is taken, not given”, and, “Just because you're offended, it doesn't mean you're right”. Perhaps it's best to let your readers make up their own minds about what they find offensive.

I bet more than a few Christians are offended by the above photo, but who cares? If your readers find my letter offensive, so be it, I'm OK with that. Some things offend me, like Jennifer Aniston movies and men who wear these pants.

I have no doubt that many people would also be EXTREMELY offended by you publishing their photo on a popular website and calling them a: “Jerk, arse, arsehole and a mean coward”. Who knows, perhaps some would even consider it bullying. I suppose it’s lucky that your opinion of me is none of my business. The important thing is that you get to express it freely. For future reference, calling someone both an arse and an arsehole is unnecessary, as the arse incorporates both the cheeks and the hole.

I highly doubt that Jetstar have a “Jerk register”, but if they do, I guess I’m not on it, as they reimbursed the $25 emergency seat fee and gave me a $100 voucher for the two flight cancellations. If such a register does exist and I'm at the top of it, then that means Jetstar hold jerks in a higher regard than the customers they actually like. Come to think of it, Jerkstar has a nice ring to it.

Considering that we’ve followed each other on Twitter for quite some time, perhaps it would've been better to directly tweet to me @RichWisken, instead of subtweeting this:

Whilst I appreciate a good Seinfeld reference, I would've responded in a much more timely fashion if you actually sent the article to me. Anyway, thanks for saying that I have a great writing style, and that you thought I was cool and funny, but again, your opinion of me is none of my business.

If you choose to publish my response, please do so in its entirety.

Maybe some people just need to lighten up...


Rich Wisken

P.S. Thanks for publishing the photo of me with the dog. I'm glad everyone now knows that I really, really love animals.

Tuesday, 3 December 2013

Dear Jetstar...

Dear Jetstar,

Do you like riddles? I do, that's why I'm starting this letter with one. What weighs more than a Suzuki Swift, less than a Hummer and smells like the decaying anus of a deceased homeless man? No idea? How about, what measures food portions in kilograms and has the personal hygiene of a French prostitute? Still nothing? Right, one more try. What's fat as fuck, stinks like shit and should be forced to purchase two seats on a Jetstar flight? That's right, it's the man I sat next to under on my flight from Perth to Sydney yesterday.

As I boarded the plane, I mentally high-fived myself for paying the additional $25 for an emergency seat. I was imagining all that extra room, when I was suddenly distracted by what appeared to be an infant hippopotamus located halfway down the aisle. As I got closer, I was relieved to see that it wasn't a dangerous semi-aquatic African mammal, but a morbidly obese human being. However, this relief was short-lived when I realised that my seat was located somewhere underneath him.

Soon after I managed to burrow into my seat, I caught what was to be the first of numerous fetid whiffs of body odour. His scent possessed hints of blue cheese and Mumbai slum, with nuances of sweaty flesh and human faeces sprayed with cologne - Eau No. Considering I was visibly under duress, I found it strange that none of the cabin crew offered me another seat. To be fair, it's entirely possible that none of them actually saw me. Perhaps this photo will jog their memories. 

Pinned to my seat by a fleshy boulder, I started preparing for a 127 Hours-like escape. Thankfully though, the beast moved slightly to his left, which allowed me to stand up, walk to the back of the plane and politely ask the cabin crew to be seated elsewhere. I didn't catch the names of the three flight attendants, but for the purpose of this letter, I'll call them: Chatty 1, Chatty 2 and Giggly (I've given them all the same surname - Couldnotgiveashit). After my request, Chatty 1 and Chatty 2 continued their conversation, presumably about how shit they are at their jobs, and Giggly, well, she just giggled. I then asked if I could sit in one of the six vacant seats at the back of the aircraft, to which Giggly responded, "hehehe, they're for crew only, hehehe". I think Giggly may be suffering from some form of mental impairment.

I tried to relocate myself without the assistance of the Couldnotgiveashit triplets, but unfortunately everyone with a row to themselves was now lying down. It was then I realised that my fate was sealed. I made my way back to Jabba the Hutt and spent the remainder of the flight smothered in side-boob and cellulite, taking shallow breaths to avoid noxious gas poisoning. Just before landing, I revisited the back of the plane to use the toilet. You could imagine my surprise when I saw both "crew only" rows occupied by non-crew members. I can only assume Giggly let them sit there after she forgot who she was and why she's flying on a big, shiny metal thing in the sky.

Imagine going out for dinner and a movie, only to have your night ruined by a fat mess who eats half your meal then blocks 50% of the screen. Isn't that exactly the same as having someone who can't control their calorie intake occupying half your seat on a flight? Of course it is, so that's why I'm demanding a full refund of my ticket, including the $25 for an emergency row seat. 

I'm also looking to be compensated for the physical pain and mental suffering caused by being enveloped in human blubber for four hours. My lower back is in agony and I had to type this letter one-handed as I'm yet to regain full use of my left side. If I don't recover completely, I'll have to say goodbye to my lifelong dream of becoming Air Guitar World Champion. If that occurs, you will pay.

To discuss my generous compensation package, email me at:, or tweet me at: @RichWisken

No regards,

Rich Wisken.


Two days after my Fatstar experience, I was due to fly from Sydney to Melbourne. However, my flight was cancelled due to "engineering requirements". I was scheduled to fly the next day, but that flight was also cancelled. On the third day, my flight was delayed by two hours. I received this email from Jetstar and wrote my reply on their Facebook wall. Unfortunately they deleted it after it garnered 200 likes in a couple of hours.

Awesome work, Jetstar!

Two of my flights in the past two days have been cancelled. You're so lucky that my favourite pastime is wasting both time and money getting to and from airports. Imagine how annoyed someone who doesn't LOVE wasting time and money would feel about this situation. Man, I'd hate to be that guy...

Whilst I appreciate your email and the $100 Jetstar voucher you gave me as a, "gesture of good will", I can’t help but wonder who “good will” is. Are you talking about the two-time Oscar winning film, Good Will Hunting? That’s a great movie, but I don’t understand what it has to do with my flight cancellations and subsequent voucher. Perhaps you meant “goodwill”, that’d make more sense. Maybe you should spend my $100 voucher on employing a competent copywriter with an elementary grasp of the English language.

Have you seen Good Will Hunting? Robin Williams was great, but Matt Damon really stole the show. My favourite scene takes place in a bar. I don’t want to ruin it for you in case you haven’t seen it, but basically, some preppy douchebag gets schooled by Matt Damon for embarrassing his lover, Ben Affleck.

If you have seen it, then you’ll understand this reference.

Me: “Do you like apples”?

You: “Yes”.

Me: “Well, I’m never flying with Jetstar again... HOW DO YOU LIKE THEM APPLES?!”

No regards,

Rich Wisken.

P.S. If you're wondering what Matt Damon is calculating on the blackboard, it’s how much Jetstar sucks.



Jetstar refunded the $25 emergency seat fee, and said:

"Jetstar does not have a specific policy in place for customers who may be considered a person of size, however all customers must be able to safely take their seat to travel with us. Customers do have the option of choosing to purchase an additional seat for their comfort. We also publish seat specifications on our website for reference."

* Click HERE for more Jetstar fun *

Thursday, 28 November 2013

Château de Ménai

A friend of mine has asked me to review the wine he made in his dad's garage in Menai, NSW. Apart from watching an instructional Youtube video, he has no winemaking experience whatsoever. My sample arrived in the mail today, so here goes...


- Crimson Seedless (hand-harvested from the discount bin at Menai IGA Supermarket)

Technical Information: 

- Crushed by hand

- Inoculated with baker's yeast
- "Shitloads" of sodium metabisulphite added
- Sugar added
- Lime leaves added (yes, lime leaves)
- No fining or filtration
- Bottled in James Squire stubbies

Tasting Note:

The wine's colour resembles Charlie Sheen's urine on a Monday morning, or perhaps the discharge from a leaky anus on Embarrassing Bodies. Not only is the colour somewhat off-putting, but the haze makes me think that Stifler was the assistant winemaker.

The aroma? A heady mix of sulphur dioxide and the pungent scalp cheese found under Whoopi Goldberg's dreadlocks... probably. It's taken me approximately three hours and five rum and Cokes to summon the courage to taste this formidable fluid. The only way I could be more afraid of a liquid, was if I was diving after Greg Louganis at the 1988 Seoul Olympics.

It tastes very much like a refreshing glass of Ribena, which is great, because the extreme SO2 level is causing severe respiratory irritation, swelling around my eyes and hive-like rashes to break out on my face. The blackcurrant flavour takes me back to my childhood, which helps ease the thought of my impending death by pulmonary edema.

Thankfully I survived this experience, and as they say, "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger". I wonder if that saying also applies to my friend, after I bludgeon him to within an inch of his life with an empty James Squire stubbie for making me drink this offensive vin ordinaire