Dear Cardinal Pell,
As you're well aware, the Catholic Church is the largest property owner on the planet, with an estimated $15 billion cash in the bank, an art collection worth $17 billion, and vast reserves of untold wealth in stocks, gold bullion, jewels, and pretty dresses. If I had all that money, I'd want the best bookkeeper on the planet to look after it.
You must've been thrilled when Pope Francis appointed you prefect of the Secretariat for the Economy in 2014, effectively putting you in charge of the Vatican's finances. But before I go into that, I'm a little confused. Why have you guys accumulated such mind-blowingly enormous riches? I only ask because, well, you know...
If we are too attached to riches, we are not free. We are slaves.— Pope Francis (@Pontifex) March 5, 2015
When one lives attached to money, pride or power, it is impossible to be truly happy.— Pope Francis (@Pontifex) July 24, 2014
I have come that they may have life and have it in abundance, says Jesus. This is where true wealth is found, not in material things!— Pope Francis (@Pontifex) May 8, 2013
May the Lord help us overcome the temptations of wealth, vanity and pride which seek to destroy the truth of the Gospel.— Pope Francis (@Pontifex) February 14, 2016
Seeking happiness in material things is a sure way of being unhappy.— Pope Francis (@Pontifex) September 15, 2013
Earnings and capital are not more important than the human person, but should be at the service of the common good.— Pope Francis (@Pontifex) February 17, 2016
The martyrs teach us that wealth, prestige and honor have little importance: Christ is the only true treasure.— Pope Francis (@Pontifex) August 16, 2014
Economic interests easily end up trumping the common good.— Pope Francis (@Pontifex) June 18, 2015
If money and material things become the center of our lives, they seize us and make us slaves— Pope Francis (@Pontifex) October 29, 2013
A Christian who is too attached to riches has lost his way.— Pope Francis (@Pontifex) August 25, 2015
If you hoard material possessions, they will rob you of your soul.— Pope Francis (@Pontifex) August 5, 2014
If your boss's tweets are gospel, doesn't that make him an unimportant, hypocritical, vain, miserable, soulless, capitalist slave who's lost his way, hoards material possessions, and has no regard for the common good? Don't worry, I'm not here to judge. I'm actually here to help. You see, I love money, and can't stand the thought of such an absurdly massive amount being wasted due to incompetence, deliberate or otherwise.
What incompetence? I'm glad you asked. Over the past four days, I've been watching you give evidence to the royal commission into institutional responses to child sexual abuse. With all due respect, you appear to possess the memory of a goldfish with Alzheimer's that's recently suffered catastrophic brain trauma.
If I had a dollar for every time you answered one of the commission's questions with, "I can't recall" or "I can't remember", I'd have sufficient funds to pay for a neurosurgeon to treat your apparent severe memory impairment.
Now, I know 40 years is a long time, but it's not like the questions being asked were, "Cardinal Pell, what sort of sandwich did you have for lunch on February 4, 1972?" or "What colour dress did you wear on Sunday, July 21, 1974?" No. The questions were related to the systematic rape of children in your area at the hands of your trusted friends, housemates and colleagues; hardly something one is likely to forget.
Anyway, back to the money. Do you honestly think someone with the memory of a potato should be responsible for such an obscene fortune? What if you forget the PIN for the Vatican credit card, or do something idiotic like accidentally give all that money to the poor, or the victims of widespread child sexual abuse?
To be honest, I did wonder if there could be any other possible reasons for your memory loss, but the only one that came to mind was that you're lying to protect the church. Then I realised there's no way an upstanding man of God such as yourself would ever do that. Can you imagine what kind of vile, conniving, evil, malevolent cunt would protect child-raping paedophile priests for four decades?
The picture of you above is how I imagine you would look thinking about such a repulsive cretin. Seriously, what kind of sick, twisted, bottom-feeding piece of shit would use his power and religion to hide behind his own disgusting, unforgivable crimes? Hmmm, really makes you think.
Look, I know you've been an outstanding representative of your faith, saying things like, "Abortion is a worse moral scandal than priests sexually abusing young people", "The idea that you can solve a great spiritual and health crisis like AIDS with a few mechanical contraptions like condoms is ridiculous", and "God made Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve", but perhaps with your failing memory, it's time to move on and let someone else take over.
Anyway, Cardinal, I'm sure you have lots of important things to do, like visiting your heart specialist (remember, you're very sick), picking out your pretty dresses for the week, and dedicating your life to something for which there is no evidence whatsoever. But, while you're doing all those things, I just ask that you think about whether you're the best possible option for Vatican treasurer.
P.S. If you want to improve your memory, I found this awesome Easter-themed memory card game. It's for toddlers, so hopefully you won't find it too difficult.